2018 easily felt like the fastest year of my life. I feel like I started every Life Lately post with “I can’t believe it’s [insert month] already!” But it seems like I’m not alone in that sentiment. As the year came to a close agreed, everyone seemed to agree that this year kind of flew by.
Despite how seemingly brief it felt, 2018 ended up being a pretty good year for me. If I had to pick one word to describe the year as a whole, it would be transformative. I don’t think I have ever looked back on a year, reflected on the good and the bad, and been so proud of all of it. I had many highs, and lows, breakthroughs and breakdowns. But overall this year was one of exploration, peace, and incredible growth. Instead of a full on year in review, I wanted to recap 2018 with a few of the lessons and breakthroughs of the past year.
A SEASON, A REASON, OR A LIFETIME
This year was all about taking a step back to evaluate and I started with my relationships with my friends and family. I was feeling like many of my relationships were keeping me back in one way or another, so I needed to reassess. What were our interactions like? Did they make me feel better or worse about myself? Did our relationship feel one-sided? If they were having a bad day, did they express themselves or try to make me feel bad too? If something good happened, were they happy for me or did they try to take the moment away from me?
My new “enlightenment” ultimately uncovered a pattern of toxic behavior in a number of my relationships, some behaviors that I allowed to go on for years in some cases. There were a few standout incidents including:
-The one friend ask when I was having lipo because “it was time I got my obesity under control.” (A classic case of “hurt people, hurt people,” as he was called fat during a hookup.)
– Another friend who after being rejected from a guy they were talking to on Bumble told me that my since I wasn’t dating, all I had to look forward to in a future relationship was “some damaged divorcee.”
-The acquaintance when finding out about my blog called it stupid.
Last but certainly not least…
-The friend that told me I “needed to get over it,” when I explained how my depression (something I never open up about to anyone) was part of the reason I was distant.
I started to realize just how much of an influence a snide remark here or a critical comment there was having on me. The way it amplified my insecurities, betterment, self-doubt, and even my self-image. I was done allowing toxic people into my life, and allowing their negativity to influence me.
None of the people mentioned above are in my life anymore. (Can you blame me?) Clearing out the toxicity allowed me to be in a better headspace to be more present and to grow and develop with friends old and new. Friends that accept me beyond my size, and the choices I make in my life. That support my dreams and pursuits. That no matter what, are willing to be there for me through it all, just like I am for them.
DEPRESSION IS NOT MY DEATH SENTENCE
Turning 30 was huge for me. At times, my struggle with depression brought me to a very dark place, a place at times I was certain I would never get out. As my depression developed and intensified in my early 20’s, I believed that I would never make it to my 30th birthday. Don’t ask me why this particular birthday was the benchmark, but I became determined to reach that milestone, no matter what it took.
My depression takes on different forms. Sometimes it’s seasonal, situational, or hormonal. At one time my diagnosis was clinical. For years I struggled with why I was (seemingly) the only one in my family and amongst my friends to be inflicted with this illness. All I wanted was to be happy and functioning just like everyone else. Why was my mind prohibiting me from being happy?
This year came with an even deeper understanding and acceptance of my depression than last year, and my approach to my mental health has changed tremendously. Instead of focusing on “why me?” I focus on not being critical of myself when my mood changes. I make taking care of myself the number one priority, which sometimes comes in the form of saying no, taking time off, reaching out to a friend for help or distancing myself from people and situations that bring me down.
I’ve fully accepted that depression is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But despite it all, I can still have and live a happy and fulfilling life. And going forward, no matter the ups or downs, that is what I plan on doing.
GRIEF TAKES TIME
As I was getting ready for work over the summer, my Spotify on shuffle, Jorja Smith’s Goodbyes came on. Less than a minute into the song, I completely broke down in my hotel room in LA.
Just think of the good times you’ve left behind
L-O-V-E was all for you
If you didn’t say your goodbyes
Don’t worry, love will bear it through, oh
‘Cause you’re never coming back down
You belong to the stars in the clouds
January 19th will mark two years since my friend Tamara died suddenly. It’s a loss that I still feel to this day. Tamara was one of the most genuine people I have ever met in my life. She would light up any room she was in and people would always gravitate to her warm, caring energy. Even though we were in different departments, when I first started at my old job, she took me under her wing. I could talk to her about anything without fear of judgement or ridicule. We’d laugh together and pray together. Through Tamara and her best friends that also worked at the office, I was able to see and learn what a healthy female friendship looked like.
After Tamara died, I had a lot of guilt. Guilt for being so caught up in work and preparing for training that our plans for the holidays never came to be. Guilt that I never got to tell her that I was becoming a flight attendant. (I didn’t tell anyone in case I failed training.) Guilt because the night she died, I was going to call her, but put it off for the weekend because I was tired from work.
I’m sorry that I never replied
How was I to know this would be our last goodbye
We can’t look at the world with tears in our eyes
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry
At her funeral, I saw one of Tamara’s best friends. Neither one of us could say hello, instead we just hugged. That hug was just what I needed. Before she left, Stephanie looked at me and said “T really loved you, Alyssa.” It was hard to hear as I still felt like I had let my friend down, and didn’t have the chance to make it up to her. But almost two years, listening to the lyrics of Goodbyes, I was finally able to grieve. I still get sad and miss her, but now when I think of Tamara, I don’t think of the what ifs, but instead of the memories we shared together.
TURNING A PASSION INTO MY CAREER
When working with a new crew, the conversation of what you did before becoming a flight attendant often comes up. During one of my first flights, the topic came up with the lead FA during our downtime. When I told her I worked in fashion prior, she paused before responding.
“Are you sure this job will be enough for you? There’s no creativity here. I can already tell you’re an asset, but I don’t want you to lose you.”
She went on to explain how many FAs pursue other interests (even careers!) outside of flying as a result of how flexible our schedules are. Her advice? Not to give up on my creative pursuits.
At the time of our conversation, my main creative pursuit was my blog. But I had this constant feeling like I had this undiscovered passion within me. Like it was present in my life, but I just hadn’t pursued it fully yet. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s to not limit yourself to one thing and to pursue the things you are passionate about. So I was determined to uncover this mystery.
Fast forward to the days and weeks after TravelCon. I was sifting through my photos from the photo walk, thinking back to how fun the morning was, and how great the photos turned out. I started to think about how my photography had improved in the year and how much I actually got to practice and shoot for the year. As I looked through my images, I started to think about ideas I had for shoots, and images I wanted to capture. More and more I realized that I had a real passion for it. And that it was meant to be more than a hobby for me.
So, in the new year, I will be pursuing a career in photography. Normally new ventures freak me out (and I often find a way to quit before I get ahead). But not this time. It just feels right and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s true that they say, what’s for you is for you.
IN CONCLUSION
Whew, this was a long one!
For a year I claimed felt so short, a lot sure happened.
I truly feel like 2018 will go down as the year that changed the course of my life. A year that gave my life new meaning and value. Where I stopped caring what other people thought of me. A year where I let societal pressure, wether about my weight or my place in life (when it comes to a career or a relationship) go. It was the year that I finally made myself a priority. Lastly, it was the year I became the woman I always imagined I could be. Resilient. Patient. Confident. Unbothered.
2018 was the foundation for a happier, healthier, and more purposeful life.
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